The More We Know, The More We Kohl's

Everyone knows that men love shopping for clothes.  Riiiiight.  But seriously, when the significant other demands that we replace our holey underwear or 20-year-old jeans, we go to Kohl's.  Here are the Top 10 reasons why we shop at this amazing store, which is like its only little country if you really think about it.       

#10:  There is always a sale going on at Kohl’s.  Even if you missed the current sale, there is always another one starting tomorrow.  We gave a $50 Kohl’s gift card to my father for his birthday and before lunch was even over, he headed over there to spend it.  I called him that night to ask what he bought and he said, “I got two shirts, three pairs of pants, a pair of socks, a belt, and some work shoes…and I got $20 back in Kohl’s cash that I can use next weekend!”  

#9:  When they print out your receipt, you discover that you got $296 worth of clothes for only $28.  This releases huge levels of endorphins and dopamine in the female brain.        

#8:  Kohl’s cash is just like a currency with an expiration date.  The mere possession of Kohl’s cash makes women do crazy things like rearrange an entire weekend of activities to make sure they use it before it expires.  One time my wife forgot to use her Kohl’s cash and it became worthless.  She had to get on antidepressants to cope with the loss. 

#7:  Kohl’s carries Haggar pants for men, which have a very flexible waist band that still fits you even if you gain or lose 20 pounds.  For someone like me whose weight has fluctuated my entire life, this is a big deal.  Haggar pants are like maternity jeans for men.     

#6:  A couple of years ago, Kohl’s installed electronic price screens on the racks and sometimes the prices actually drop while you’re walking through the store, saving you even more money.  Be careful or you might be crushed by the hordes of women running through the aisles to secure discounted items.   

#5:   Kohl’s accepts returns without receipts, which seems crazy.  Surely some savvy criminal has figured out a way to exploit this?

#4:  My wife is obsessed with getting mail and we receive a Kohl’s circular just about every day.  Flipping through one gets her very excited.  She saves them like love letters, filing them away by date and often reminiscing about past sales (“this sale is okay, but that sale last October, now that was a sale!”).    

#3:  One time our Kohl’s was under construction and they mailed us $10 in Kohl’s cash each week for ten weeks because of the “inconvenience.”  In other words, they have us $100 to compensate for having to walk an extra 20 feet to the dressing room.  Easiest money we’ve ever made. 

#2:  Nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to a Kohl’s Scratch-Off Sale.  You pick out the stuff you want, go to the register, and they hand you a card.  You scratch it off and get an additional percentage (usually up to 30%) off of your entire purchase.  I’ve watched women scratch it off and act a fool, like they’ve just won the lottery.

#1:  If you have a pulse and a credit score of 50 or more, you will qualify for a Kohl’s credit card.  One time I forgot to send the payment in.  I called, apologized profusely, and they credited the interest charge and late fee, because we are “such good Kohl’s customers.”  Now that’s customer service.  

The  more we know, the more we Kohl’s.     

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