Deep [Fried] In The Heart of Texas

It's widely known that everything is bigger in Texas.  The trucks.  The houses.  The food (and as a direct result, the people).  Did you know that everything is fried as well?  Well, not everything.  We don't fry barbecue because, well, that just would be nasty.

We recently took our annual pilgrimage to the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo.  No, we didn't travel on horseback.  We drove about 20 miles.  It's the one time a year that our kids get to dress like this:

I know what you Yankees are thinking.  A rodeo?  In Texas?  Who would have thunk it?

But seriously, the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo is an awesome place to take your kids to check out the latest in food and farming science (it takes two minutes for them to get bored, then we hit the carnival rides).  For us foodies, which basically includes all parents that attend since we need comfort food due to the stress of chasing our children around the grounds, there is great anticipation of the new artery-clogging and delicious foods that have been invented for this event. 

The night before, I typically dream about said foods and subconsciously begin calculating the minimum time I need between dishes to avoid a frantic search for Pepto Bismol and spending the rest of the afternoon in one of these:

There are food staples, such as the chocolate-covered cheesecake on a stick, that I must consume each year lest our trip be considered a complete failure [yes, that's really me]:

With great anticipation, I found the appropriately named "Fried What!" booth, though strangely no calorie counts or nutritional values were posted:

The Fried Kool-Aid and Jalapeno Lemonade sounded nasty and they didn't have the Fried Fruity Pebbles that I'd read about [I never did locate the booth selling it]:

Decided to get lunch first, including Chicken-Fried Bacon [This year it was a lot less greasy than last year.  I'm guessing Mayor Bloomberg forced Governor Rick Perry to pass a secret law to reduce the fat content.]:

Next up were Fried Oreos [Simple.  Legendary.  Artery-Clogging Goodness.]:

Bacon Cotton Candy [Looks better than it sounds.  Kind of tasted like pork rinds and not in a good way]:

Do E-Os (Oreos dipped in chocolate chip cookie dough, then deep fried.  There was a ribbon posted next to it on the menu, so it must have won an award.  After taking the first bite, my stomach went immediately to DEFCON 5.)

I did make it through the day with no chest pains, but I wondered how they get away without having FDA warnings on these foods such as "Eat At Your Own Risk" or "Even Healthy People Have Collapsed After Consuming."

As the day came to an end, I lamented not having enough room to try the chocolate-dipped bacon.

There's always next year.  

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The Cheesecake Factory Serves Manna From Heaven

The Cheesecake Factory recently opened near us and my life is now complete.  Oh sure, before it opened its doors, I had a pretty good life;  beautiful wife, a good job, a five-year-old son, and a nice house in the suburbs.  

But something was missing.  

And that something was cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory (CF).

It's easy to get distracted by the hundreds of delicious entrees on the CF menu and how they are able to master so many different cuisines.  I've had quesadillas that rival any Tex-Mex joint, teriyaki chicken that beats Chinatown, shrimp that tasted so fresh I thought they might have been boiled alive like lobsters, and burgers that make McDonald's taste like spoiled food thrown out after a shift change.  I've often wondered if they have a chef from every country in the world cooking in the kitchen.    

At the very back of the menu lies the pot of gold:  30+ different types of cheesecake, each waiting to explode flavor into your mouth.  Except for the low carb cheesecake.  Seriously, who goes to the CF and orders low carb cheesecake?  You don't go to the CF while on a diet; you go to the CF to cheat on your diet.  To their credit, the CF does have a 'Skinnylicious Menu,' but it's best used as a coaster for your large, sugary drink.

Here is a list of the top #5 cheesecakes at the CF.  It's just my opinion, but I believe my taste buds are better than yours' and I've been trying a different cheesecake every weekend since they opened.  

#5 - Peppermint Bark Cheesecake

Imagine if Santa showed up to your house on Christmas with a Lexus made of peppermint with a tank full of chocolate gas, then told you to take it for a spin.  It begins to melt while you're driving it and you just sit there in the middle of the road, eating it as jealous drivers drive past.  

#4 - Fresh Banana Cream Cheesecake

If there were a Hunger Games starring monkeys from the different districts of Panem, this would be the prize.

#3 -  White Chocolate Caramel Macadamia Nut Cheesecake

        

     

I'm not a big fan of white chocolate or caramel, but that didn't matter once I tasted this concoction.  If this was a pop star, it would be a combination of Michael Jackson and Lady Gaga with Justin Bieber on top.

#2 - OREO Dream Extreme Cheesecake

If you've ever told yourself you'd stop after just one Oreo, only to find yourself chugging Pepto after eating the entire bag, this cheesecake is for you.  Just when I think there is no way they can pack another Oreo into it, I bite into another one!  This one belongs in the Oreo Hall of Fame.

#1 - Hershey's Chocolate Bar Cheesecake

Pretend for a moment that you are a resident of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania and you are ordered to evacuate after an explosion at the nearby Hershey plant.  Would you flee to safety or stay behind just in case a river of chocolate comes flowing through town?  I would grab a spoon and hit main street!  Words can't describe how good this cheesecake is, you just have to try it for yourself.  Be warned, you'll need two bottles of Pepto followed by a Maalox chaser if you finish the whole thing.

If you liked this blog post, you will love my books!  You can purchase them here.   

We're Changing My Son's Name To Pixar

As I look around our house, I can't help but wonder how much money we've spent on Pixar merchandise since my son was born five years ago.  It's like dust.  After awhile, you don't even realize that it's there.  His entire routine, from the time he gets up in the morning until he goes to bed at night, involves Pixar-related merchandise in some way, shape, or form.  Let's walk through a typical day.        

6:45AM

 My son wakes up and gets out of bed by stepping onto his Cars stool.  

6:50AM

He brushes his teeth (i.e., my wife brushes while he fusses) with Toy Story toothpaste.

6:55AM

He chooses between Cars or Toy Story underwear.  

6:56AM

He puts on his matching Cars socks.

6:58AM

He goes into his closet and picks from an assortment of Cars shirts.

7:05AM

He eats breakfast on a Cars plate...

...with his Cars silverware...

...and drinks from his Cars or Toy Story Sippy Cup.

7:10AM

He's done with his breakfast and wipes his hands with Toy Story wet wipes.

He goes to school and talks about Cars and Toy Story with his friends.  Then he returns home and picks out either Cars or Toy Story pajamas.

8:30PM

He retreats to his Toy Story bed.

8:35PM

It's lights out and his Cars night light comes on automatically.  Does he dream about Woody, Buzz, and Lighting McQueen?

During the summer, he picks from an assortment of Cars bathing suits.

Cars pail and shovel for weekend beach excursions.

If he gets bored, he can play with these Cars (they're actually knockoffs bought by my parents at some shady carnival, though he hasn't noticed).

When it's time for a snack, he can choose between these Cars fruit snacks.  The leftovers go in Toy Story snack bags.

He cruises around the neighborhood in his Cars tricycle with authentic Owen Wilson voice.

When he falls off his Cars tricycle and gets a boo-boo, we put on Cars band-aids.

When he starts complaining about not having a sibling, we tell him to hug his Cars pillow.

Sometimes he likes me to throw this Cars ball at him, which I oblige.  

And when it's time for Halloween, of course he picks out a Woody costume!

If you have kids, next time you see a trailer for a Pixar film, you better secure your wallet.  Why?  Because it is going to cost you much more than a movie ticket!

If you liked this blog post, you will love my books!  You can purchase them here.   

The More We Know, The More We Kohl's

Everyone knows that men love shopping for clothes.  Riiiiight.  But seriously, when the significant other demands that we replace our holey underwear or 20-year-old jeans, we go to Kohl's.  Here are the Top 10 reasons why we shop at this amazing store, which is like its only little country if you really think about it.       

#10:  There is always a sale going on at Kohl’s.  Even if you missed the current sale, there is always another one starting tomorrow.  We gave a $50 Kohl’s gift card to my father for his birthday and before lunch was even over, he headed over there to spend it.  I called him that night to ask what he bought and he said, “I got two shirts, three pairs of pants, a pair of socks, a belt, and some work shoes…and I got $20 back in Kohl’s cash that I can use next weekend!”  

#9:  When they print out your receipt, you discover that you got $296 worth of clothes for only $28.  This releases huge levels of endorphins and dopamine in the female brain.        

#8:  Kohl’s cash is just like a currency with an expiration date.  The mere possession of Kohl’s cash makes women do crazy things like rearrange an entire weekend of activities to make sure they use it before it expires.  One time my wife forgot to use her Kohl’s cash and it became worthless.  She had to get on antidepressants to cope with the loss. 

#7:  Kohl’s carries Haggar pants for men, which have a very flexible waist band that still fits you even if you gain or lose 20 pounds.  For someone like me whose weight has fluctuated my entire life, this is a big deal.  Haggar pants are like maternity jeans for men.     

#6:  A couple of years ago, Kohl’s installed electronic price screens on the racks and sometimes the prices actually drop while you’re walking through the store, saving you even more money.  Be careful or you might be crushed by the hordes of women running through the aisles to secure discounted items.   

#5:   Kohl’s accepts returns without receipts, which seems crazy.  Surely some savvy criminal has figured out a way to exploit this?

#4:  My wife is obsessed with getting mail and we receive a Kohl’s circular just about every day.  Flipping through one gets her very excited.  She saves them like love letters, filing them away by date and often reminiscing about past sales (“this sale is okay, but that sale last October, now that was a sale!”).    

#3:  One time our Kohl’s was under construction and they mailed us $10 in Kohl’s cash each week for ten weeks because of the “inconvenience.”  In other words, they have us $100 to compensate for having to walk an extra 20 feet to the dressing room.  Easiest money we’ve ever made. 

#2:  Nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to a Kohl’s Scratch-Off Sale.  You pick out the stuff you want, go to the register, and they hand you a card.  You scratch it off and get an additional percentage (usually up to 30%) off of your entire purchase.  I’ve watched women scratch it off and act a fool, like they’ve just won the lottery.

#1:  If you have a pulse and a credit score of 50 or more, you will qualify for a Kohl’s credit card.  One time I forgot to send the payment in.  I called, apologized profusely, and they credited the interest charge and late fee, because we are “such good Kohl’s customers.”  Now that’s customer service.  

The  more we know, the more we Kohl’s.     

If you liked this blog post, you will love my books!  You can purchase them here.   

39 Reasons Why I Love My Wife

Today is my wife’s birthday.  Since women never like to admit their age, I won’t tell you how old she is.  I will give you a hint, however.  There is a number in the title of this blog post that might give it away.

Happy Birthday Julie!  Here are 39 reasons why I love you.  There are more of course, but this blog is PG-13. 

#39:  At the end of our first date, I walked you to your front door.  The Guy Rule Book stipulates that if you spend over $35 on a first date, you are entitled to a kiss.  Since I just spent $43.27 on you, I leaned in to collect on the debt.  You moved your head to the side and my lips landed on your cheek.  While I was crushed and confused by this event, in retrospect I love your decision not to kiss me.  It ensured that I asked you out on a second date, which did end in a kiss (gotcha!).  I emailed the author of the Guy Rule Book and told him he needed to make some edits. 

#38:  I love that you are a wonderful mother to our son, even though he sasses us all the time and rarely does what we tell him to do.

#37:  I love that you always shop with a coupon.  When we first got married, I was embarrassed when you whipped them out at every retail location, but after I ran the numbers (I’m an accountant, after all) and saw how much money you were saving us (which I could then spend on electronics), you made me a believer.  Please don’t turn us into those extreme couponing freaks that sets up a mini-mart in the basement. 

#36:  I love that you laugh at my jokes.  I think they’re pretty funny and maybe you are fake laughing, but it makes me feel good. 

#35:  I love how we sometimes take our conversations to Facebook for our friends to see.  I think we’re the coolest married couple on Facebook. 

#34:  I love that look you get in your eye when Kohl’s is having a sale (which is pretty much every weekend). 

#33:  I love how you rationalize shopping purchases and proclaim: “Guess how much money I saved?”  I counter with “How much money did you spend?” and you ignore the question and distract me by giving me a gift.   

#32:   I love how I have to remind you to take your vitamins and go to the dentist on a regular basis.

#31:  I love how you stuck by me and honored our marriage vows even when I started losing my hair. 

#30:  I love how you can stop eating after you’re full and don’t judge me when I continue to gorge myself. 

#29:  I love it when you forget an ingredient in a recipe and I eat it anyway. 

#28:  I love you for putting away the clothes after I wash them, because I hate putting away clothes. 

#27:  I love how you do most of your reading in the bathroom. 

#26:  I love how you convinced me to start using flowery/fruity body wash and how good I smell because of it.

#25:  I love how you cry at movie trailers and sappy commercials.

#24:  I love how you always say “Now all I need is one more pair of shoes, and I’ll be good until summer,” when we both know it’s not true. 

#23:  I love that you’re an angry driver because Houston drivers suck.

#22:  I love how upset you get when you discover you’ve left a coupon at home and it’s too late to turn back.

#21:  I love how you spend countless hours putting together vacation photo albums online, always trying to find the "best" pictures.

#20:  I love how you know which shows will get canceled before they actually do.

#19:  I love that you love sports.  

#18:  I love how you panic when the DVR is at 70% capacity.

#17:  I love how you waited for me and didn’t start seeing other people when I took the job in California.

#16:  I love how excited you get about holidays and giving gifts.

#15:  I love it when you make those ultimate brownies with the cookies and M&Ms baked into it.

#14:  I love thinking about our wedding day, which was the happiest day of my life.

#13:  I love that you continue watching American Idol even though it sucks and you hate it.     

#12:  I love how you rarely eat leftovers, always finding some reason why they won’t taste good.

#11:  I love how you constantly switch back-and-forth between your sunglasses and regular glasses, as if the sun will blind you. 

#10:  I love how you read books to our son every night and how much he enjoys it.

#9:  I love how you refuse to eat breadsticks from Little Caesars unless they’re golden brown and slightly crispy.

#8:  I love how excited you get about eating lobster.

#7:  I love that you’re a pessimist and I’m an optimist and how we’re able to meet in the middle.    

#6:  I love how you finally admitted that McDonald’s is horrible and don’t make me go there anymore.

#5:  I love how you still worship boy bands and although you won’t admit it, you dream of going on that NKOTB cruise.

#4:  I love how we have a huge closet upstairs filled with your stuffed animals because you refuse to part with them.

#3:   I love how panicky you get when we’re at the grocery store checkout and a coupon isn’t scanning.    

#2:   I love how you remember where every single thing is in the house regardless of how long it’s been since you last saw it.    

#1:  Finally, I love you for being you!  Happy 39^th Birthday!  Uh, sorry, I mean Happy 35^th Birthday! 

Is There A Superhero In You?

I’ve always wanted to be a superhero.  There, I said it.

Who wouldn’t want to be a superhero?  They get to help others and make a difference in people’s lives.  How many of us can say that we are doing that right now with our time and efforts?

You don’t have to be bitten by a radioactive spider or be from another planet to be a superhero.  You just have to want to help people. 

It’s that simple.

Superheroes use their unique abilities as a means to an end.  Spiderman swings from rooftops because it’s faster than taking public transportation.  Iron Man uses his rocket suit instead of taking the subway.  In the end, both of them reach the person that’s in trouble and save them.  That makes them feel good about themselves.

They need to feel good about themselves because often they are fighting the same struggles as the rest of us.  Whether it’s guilt from not being able to save the life of a family member, failure to win the approval of a parent, or suffering from emotional or physical abuse, there is some measure of redemption in helping a stranger.

We have all had opportunities to help others and for whatever reason, we chose not to.  Subconsciously we carry that guilt with us and hopefully use it as motivation to do something the next time.

One of the lessons I am teaching my 4-year-old son right now is that it is important to share what we have with others.  There is a cupboard at our church and each Sunday morning he brings a can of food and puts it on the shelf.  The food donations are used to stock local food banks.

I ask him why he puts the can in the cupboard and he says “because we need to share to help others.”  I smile each time I hear those words because although he may not realize it, he is turning into a little superhero.

One day I’ll take him to a soup kitchen so he can see how his cans are feeding the homeless and less fortunate.  It’s so easy for us to take food for granted when we’ve never had to do without it.  Each can he gives is an act of kindness, helps him understand how blessed we are, and builds his character.

One of the reasons I wrote The Brainiacs was because I believe that there is still good in the world and that it always triumphs over evil.  We are bombarded with negative stories each and every day about famine, war, natural catastrophes, terrorism, and other unspeakable acts.  Despite all of it, I believe there are kind people in the world doing unbelievably wonderful things, some even risking their lives in the process.  These people are true superheroes.    

The truth is that each of us can be a superhero to someone else.  While the opportunity to save someone’s life may be few and far between, offering a meal, a kind word, or even just listening can have a profound effect on others.  You never know, it just might save their life.

Link to The Brainiacs